The Muppets Do Ranma 12
by Skysaber
Summary: A favorite of mine, and one of Celeste's before she died. Back by popular demand. You've seen the movies, what if they decided to do the Ranma show?


The Muppets Do Ranma 1/2 

by   
Jared Ornstead   
aka Skysaber 

Disclaimers:   
Um, please don't kill me. I don't have anything worth suing me for   
anyway, except my mind, and if you want that then why don't you just   
hire me?   
Sheesh. 

***** 

(background music) 

"It's time to see Nerima!   
It's time to fight some fights! 

It's time to get things started!" 

(huge fan audience)   
"Why don't you get things started?" 

"It's time to get things started   
On the Ranma show tonight!" 

Kermit dances out.   
"To introduce our plot-line, that's what I'm here to do. Argh!" (he   
is run over by approximately three thousand muppets in a wild   
assortment of sports attire). 

Kermit gets up, dusts himself off. "Good evening everyone! My name   
is Soun Tendo! And I'd like to welcome you all to the world of Ranma   
1/2, the muppet version." 

(the stage changes behind him, scenery rolling away to reveal Nerima   
Tokyo) 

Kermit continues. "Here we have the story of a young lad, who is   
cursed to change with the touch of cold water." He wrinkles his face.   
"Pretty weird, changing with water, if you ask me." He walks on, the   
dojo appears, Kermit enters the gate. Within is the sound of fighting.   
Kermit turns back to the audience. "Uh oh. Sounds like they're at   
it again." 

Ranma dodged and weaved, keeping his hands up in guard position.   
"Hah! Is that the best you can do?"   
Miss Piggy weaved before him. "Aiya! You jerk, you pervert! How   
*dare* you say that about my cooking?" She throws several ineffectual   
kicks and punches, which Ranma evades without apparent effort.   
"C'mon, Akane. We both know how hopeless you are at cooking. I   
mean, you could kill a rhino with that stuff!"   
A muppet rhino looks up from the bushes, alarmed.   
"Children, children!" Kermit admonished, putting himself in between   
them. "Now we'll have no more of this arguing. Aren't you late for   
school?"   
Both students look alarmed.   
"Oh my! I'm late! You pervert! How DARE you do this to me!" She   
strikes Ranma a huge blow, which rockets him out of the yard and   
halfway to the school building. He doesn't even have to run to get   
there on time.   
"Now Akane, you really shouldn't do that." Kermit comforts his   
daughter. "After all, you *do* want to marry him, don't you?"   
"Marry that jerk? That lecher? I would rather take my pet pig, and   
make pork chops out of him! Hmph!" She grabs her books and wanders off,   
calling "P-chan, my darling, where are you?" (explains a few things,   
doesn't it?)   
Kermit wrinkles his nose at the camera. "Hmph. If she tried to make   
pork chops it would come out looking more like glow-in-the-dark ice   
cream."   
"I *heard* that!" Miss Piggy mallets her father into a wall, then   
runs off to school, clutching her pet pig. 

** 

At the gates of the high school, Ranma (yes, a real one. They *do*   
put humans in muppet movies, you know) came to face a short, red furred   
Kuno holding a bokken, and wearing his traditional kendo outfit.   
"You BAD man! BAD man, *bad* man!" Heavy breathing and panting from   
the short muppet.   
Ranma weaved to the side. "Aw, Kuno. I don't got time for this. I   
was gunna talk with Ukyo and..."   
Animal hefts his wooden sword up from guard position. "Bad MAN!!!!"   
He begins swinging furiously. "Hurt! Kill bad man! Strike,   
ahahahahahah!"   
Ranma dodges the blows, placing a foot in the face of the muppet,   
who goes down. Then he runs off seeking someone normal. 

** 

Ukyo (yes, a human one) was standing in the school yard, in a spot   
under the school wall that was shaded by some trees.   
"Why, hello Ranma honey!" She beams.   
Ranma comes to a stop before her. "Hiya, Ucchan. Look, there's   
something I gotta tell ya."   
She acquires a blush on her face. ~Finally! It's time! Ooh! I hope   
I look cute enough!~   
A bush leapt forward, sprouting mouth and eyes. "There's no way   
YOU'RE taking Ukyo away from me!"   
Ranma regard the bush with pity. "Ah, Tsubasa, not now will ya?"   
A tree opened a set of eyes, saying. "Hey, wait a minute. I thought   
*I* got to play Tsubabsa!"   
Two other bushes revealed faces. "No way! *We're* Tsubasa!"   
A bust of the principle turned to face them. "Ey, wait a minute,   
bruddas. *I'M* Tsubasa!"   
The school wall cracked open a huge mouth. "No, you're wrong. I'm   
Tsubasa."   
Ranma and Ukyo were looking around weirdly, he took her hand. "Say,   
Ucchan. Let's say we..."   
"Right behind ya, sugar." They exited while the plants, background   
and furniture argued with themselves. 

** 

Ranma and Ukyo come to a stop in front of the school building.   
"Listen, Ucchan, there's been something I've been dying to say."   
Ukyo leans forward, beaming with joy. "Yes, Ran-chan?"   
"Well, I..."   
"Yes?"   
"I mean..."   
"Go on." She was bobbing her head cutely.   
"Ukyo, I... I..."   
"Uh huh?"   
"You I KILL!" Shampoo (another human one) swept her sword through   
the space where Ranma's head had been.   
Ranma peeled himself off the pavement. "Shampoo! Why'd ya gotta...   
Urk!" He was grabbed by a chain around his throat and hauled up to meet   
a grinning Mouse at the top of the school building.   
"Ranma! I'm going to pay you for toying with Shampoo's feelings   
like this! Take this! And that! and that!"   
Ranma began dodging airborne whoopie cushions, flounders, jugs of   
marbles, and a few things with eyes and ears that most definitely   
weren't human. As half of Mouse's weapons got up and walked away Ranma   
stood facing his foe.   
Then it began to rain.   
"Wow! This is so *COOL*" Gonzo cried, staring at his limbs. "Hey!   
I'm BACK everyone!"   
Redhaired Ranko slumped dejectedy in the rain. "Over a hundred   
cursed pools, and it's *my* foe that gets dunked in the Spring of   
Drowned Gonzo."   
Gonzo began lifting a firearm, sticking his nose down the muzzel.   
"Hey, I wonder what *this* thing does." He set it off, blowing a hole   
through his face.   
"Wow! Hey, everybody! Ya GOTTA try this! This is *so* fun. It's   
better than jelly beans in the nostrils. Hey, where'd everybody go?"   
Gonzo ran off in search of the others. 

** 

Ranma slid into his desk seconds before the bell rang and their   
teacher walked in. First period was taught by a hulking, brutish   
monstrosity towering almost eight feet high and with shaggy, unkempt   
brownish fur covering its entire body.   
"Good Morning, Sensei." The class chanted.   
"Not Sensei! Sweetums!" The brute once again correted them.   
The class squirmed, not even *close* to comfortable with the   
teacher's name. As they all pulled out their books Ukyo leaned over and   
passed Ranma a note. He opened it, in sweet curliques it asked what   
he'd been trying to say. Ranma looked back and mouthed the word   
'Lunch.' With a nudge in his other side Ranma turned back just in time   
for Akane to pass him a note.   
With a look of horror he pinched out the hissing fuse. After a   
moment trying to figure out the timing mechanism he gave up and tossed   
the bomb out of the window, where it exploded with a dull blast,   
flinging masonry and muppets past their view.   
Akane's notes were rather eloquent in the feeling they conveyed. 

** 

Animal, er, Kuno prowled the halls, waving his bokken and trying to   
find the way to Ranma's classroom. A pretty girl walked past and the   
shaggy muppet's eyes lifted from their perpetually half-lidded state to   
follow her.   
The teenager noticed and began to back off.   
Kuno grinned stupidly and trotted after. "Woman! woman, *woman!*   
ehehehehe."   
She shrieked and tore off, Animal, er, Kuno chasing after. 

** 

Ranma walked nervously past the trees that were *still* arguing   
over which of them were Tsubasa. Finding a nice spot near the fountain   
he sat down and began to open his lunch.   
Ukyo materialized beside him and joined him cutely. "Hey, Ran-chan.   
Was there something you wanted to tell me?"   
Ranma's eyes lit up and he turned on her a look of adoration.   
The fountain heaved beyond its bounds, splashing them both with a   
few hundred gallons of water. Sitting on its haunches it spoke.   
"Hey, wait a minute! You can't do that! *I'm* Tsubasa!"   
The redhaired woman grabbed her partner and both ran screaming. 

** 

Akane and two other pigs, er, her friends, were waiting in the   
lunch line in the cafeteria. One of them was speaking.   
"Hey, Akane, let's get something different to eat. I'm tired of   
school food."   
At that moment a vendor walked past.   
"Boomerang Fish, gettum while they're fresh. I throw the fish away   
and it comes *back* to me!" The vendor demonstrated. "Hehe, gettum   
while they're fresh."   
The three pigs regarded the vendor with horror.   
Miss Piggy, er, Akane cleared her throat. "Uh, no. I think school   
food sounds scrumptuous and tasty right now."   
The line proceeded the where they could fill up their plates. The   
school's Sweedish Chef was singing loudly. "Let's see-a hoo thees   
defelups furst. Um de hur de hur de hur. Vhy dun't ve-a see-a, iff ve-a   
teke-a thees teemeline-a here-a vhere-a Runma deees et Ryuge's hunds   
vheele-a zee lust buy ves useeng zee kuee rud. Bork bork bork!   
Freefuluoos veeshes ere-a coose-a fur immedeeete-a termeeneshun ooff   
veesher. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!"   
The trays of food opened and began to sing "Tra-la-las" in chorus.   
Akane dropped her tray. "On second thought I'm not that hungry." 

** 

Ranma and Ukyo find a comparitively quiet place. Her turns to her,   
holding her hands.   
"Ucchan, look, I...."   
"Look! He might actually *say* it!" Crowed an old voice from out of   
nowhere.   
"That's impossible!" Cried another. "He can't get a backbone!"   
"He would if they could find one the same way they found their   
plot-line." Cried the first voice. "Second hand!"   
"OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!" The old voices laughed in chorus.   
Ucchan and Ranma were staring around wildly, finally finding the   
source of the voices. Two old men were sitting in a balcony halfway up   
the school wall. Ranma gathered a chi ball.   
"Fierce Tiger Ball!!!"   
A blue explosion took out the balcony and left the old geezers   
hanging from twisted rebar. Ranma and Ukyo ran away.   
"Hey, isn't that the first time somebodies attacked us?" One of the   
old men asked.   
"Yeah, but it's not like we haven't deserved it." The other   
answered.   
"You mean we weren't being Pun-ny?"   
"No. It's just Ranma specializes in delivering Pun-ishment!"   
"OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!"   
Nabiki opened the balcony door above them, looking down in pity.   
"Are you guys done yet or are you going to pay for another half-hour?"   
One geezer looked at another. "No, I think we're well done."   
"Whaddya mean? This whole show's only half-baked!"   
"OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!"   
Nabiki closed the door in disgust. 

** 

Genma-Panda is being schmoozed up to by a dozen cute, female   
pandas. He was waving a sign. "No, really! I'm not that kind of   
bear!!!"   
One of them produces a plate of food and his resolve wavers. The   
female pandas acquire multiple grins. 

** 

"Since when do muppets get bombs?" Ranma asked, fingering his   
blackened clothing.   
"Since the Mad Bomber, that's who." Ukyo replied, trying to brush   
some of the soot out of his shirt. "C'mon. You can take hits all day   
but an explosion's another matter, let's get you to the doctor."   
Ranma let Ucchan lift him by the arm and support him all the way to   
the clinic. They open the door and out comes a roughly man-sized living   
top, shrieking and twirling its head as if it was on fire.   
The spinning person soon hits a pole an falls down, revealing it to   
be a tall muppet with red hair. A much shorter muppet follows it out of   
the clinic.   
"Thank you, Beakie. Now we know that is definitely the wrong   
pressure point."   
Ukyo and Ranma blink.   
"Uh, are you the doctor?"   
The short, bald muppet nods. "Yes, I am Dr. Bunsen Tofu, and this   
is my assistant Beaker. What can we do for you?"   
Ranma was shaking his head.   
"Uh, no, nothing. That's okay."   
"Oh, no. Really! You are injured, we must take care of you. C'mon   
Beaker! We must prepare the anti-combustion, self-imploding   
transmogrification device!"   
Eyes wide in horror, Ranma grabs Ukyo's shirt. "Ucchan, before I   
die there's just one thing I gotta say..."   
"Yes?" Her eyes open fondly.   
"Ukyo, I...." 

The curtain falls. 

Kermit dances out.   
"Well, that's it for the Muppets do Ranma 1/2. Our esteemed author   
informs me that he would rather die in horrible, gruesome ways   
involving Akane's cooking than make this *another* ongoing series.   
Hmph, spends too much time on Mirrors, I think. But that's okay! We'll   
see you another time. And with any luck we'll be able to invade his   
self-insertion.   
"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!" 

(closing song)   



End file.
